Christmas minus 2 days

So here we are, another Christmas.  My first Christmas since my Mom passed on.  Weird.  ....but life goes on, doesn't it? 

I've been known to be a bit grumpy about the whole holiday celebration thing.  I'm not big into any of the holidays and Christmas is just the cream of the crop of holidays I'm not thrilled with celebrating.  Is it any worse since my Mom passed on?  Nah....I was grumpy about Christmas then, too.  LOL  Mom frequently called me a bitch when it came to celebrating holidays.  :)

I don't know why I don't like celebrating holidays.  I'm sure a big part of it is that we never seem to have enough money to make a really big deal about them.  Thank goodness for those who give us monetary presents to buy stuff for the kids at Christmas time.  I can't thank them enough for their generosity.  I always try to make everyone's favorite cookies and pies....and we always have some kind of a nice meal.  The tree goes up on Christmas Eve and comes down on New Years Day.  There are a smattering of other decorations around the house to remind us of the Season.  But it just never feels like a big deal....and I don't think I really want it to, personally. 

If I didn't have kids I would hardly celebrate Christmas....or any other holiday for that matter.  I should rephrase that, probably.....I would celebrate the holidays quietly, with pleasant music and long walks outside.  I would watch the sun come up......and the sun go down.  A bonfire would be enjoyed in the evening.....along with a warm drink and good company.  There would be no talk of presents......no big expenditures.....no guilt.  It would just be a time for Mark and I to enjoy each others company.  Movies, games, plays, talking. 

I am disconnected from myself at Christmas time right now.  This is the children's time.  Time to build memories.  They learn some of the rhythm that most people put into the holiday.....presents, wrapping, special foods, stockings.  We bake cookies and pies......we help buy presents for one another.....we tell stories of when we were kids......we watch the favorite Christmas shows on TV.  It is their time.  That is my real gift for them, I suppose.  Memories and Acceptance. 

And so I play the game.....I participate in the festivities......I laugh and hug and kiss.  We are a family living in a little house.....alone on our own prairie.  It won't be long until the children grow up and move on to live their own lives, and I'll sit in my house and wonder why we don't put up the tree and do all the normal Christmas stuff together anymore.  Someone remind me that that is how I said I wanted my holidays to be spent......... 'cause I'm sure I'll forget.  LOL   And when the kids come over and bring their young children they will probably find me out back, sitting in a chair with a hot cocoa..... frozen.  LOL 

Where's the SNOW?!!!!!